Norm MacDonald took to Twitter this weekend and posted a story (or maybe two stories?) in a whopping 82 tweets–most coming in rapid fire.
Reactions have varied from “pure genius” to “the Faulkner of Twitter” (hurled as an insult) to “textbook… on how to get unfollowed” to “I want to have your children.” (Okay, no one actually offered procreative services, but there was a good bit of lusty slobbering going on.)
Some of the livelier reactions are included at the end of this post. But first — so you can decide for yourself if this is a new form of flash fiction, an Andy Kaufman-like punk, or something entirely its own — I offer here Norm’s 82 tweets. (You’re welcome!)
Big Pete come out of the liquor store with a bag full of a bottle full of warm Cherry Jack.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
6 bucks today, says Big Pete, and you know what I thought when I bought it? — Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
What’s that, Pete?, and I take a warm swill and it’s warm down my throat and warm in my belly and it makes me smile. — Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
I thought, I’m really getting the best of this transaction, said Big Pete. Transaction, he said the way the poor use the rich one’s words.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Think about it, said Big Pete, the guy that sold me this wine, what’s he gonna do with the 8 bucks that’s better than buying this wine?
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Goddam, Big Pete, you sound like Omar Khayyam.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Who's that.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
He was a real wise man, Big Pete, died before the trees of Nanaimo were even born.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
And you figure I'm as smart as him, then.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
"A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou." He said that a thousand years ago. Now doesn't that sound like us two.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Yeah, it does, said Big Pete.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
We called him Big Pete because we had another pal named Pete, and we knew this adjective would save us some time.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
And, Goddam, we loved time.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
You know Pete was no small man, was a good 6 feet and 200 pounds if an ounce, just to give you an idea of the size of Big Pete
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Big Pete was a red man and he was an elder and would have been a real important man if white men like me hadn't shown up.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
But he could still do one thing better than any other man on the island.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
He could carve.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
And a carving could be sold on front street for 5000 dollars.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
But Big Pete never saw that kinda money and I'll tell you why.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
The same wine made his hand steady enough to create the perfect mask, made him drunk enough to sell it for bottles.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Bottles and bottles.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
We all tried our best to get him rightly compensated. Hell, we'd profit if Big Pete did. We were all in in together on the pavement.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
But it was always the same song. By the time we found him he'd be sitting alone, and we'd sit too, and take in the warmness.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
And the next day we'd see a mask that only Big Pete could carve, sitting in the window of the Empress Hotel.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
But one time Big Pete had an idea to make some money, and it worked, too.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
There was a totem pole in that park in James Bay. You know the one.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Well, it was Big Pete's hand what made that totem.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
They'd paid him good, the BC government, for that art.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
I told Big Pete to his face that that totem pole was a pice of art, and he told me I was crazy, that he couldn't paint worth a damn.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
I got an idea to get some more money from this province, Big Pete laughed, come to me in a dream.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Is that true that red men have dreams and that they can understand birds and all that shit?
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
No, I just had a dream, a regular dream, a dream a white man would have.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
What was the dream, Big Pete.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
It was me up on a ladder in the park, sawing the nose of my totem.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Oh. Wouldn't that get the spirits mad and shit?
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
What the fuck's wrong with you, son. They'd need nose, a new nose. And I'm the only one could reproduce it.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
I gotcha, Big Pete. Ws I in the dream, too, helping out.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
I never dreamed of you. Not once.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Big Pete sounded proud of that or something and my feelings were hurt.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Tonight, you and me, what do you say?
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
But I wasn't tin the dream. All the wine made my feelings soft.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
"In or out". His tone was rough, and it sobered me long enough to say "in"
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Anyway, we did it, and if any of you remember the incident, well now you know the whole truth.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
But 25 years ago, only big Pete nd I knew and we used the money to go to Port Alberni where we knew women that did womanly things.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
And we got ourselves a case and a haunch of pork and we went to a meadow and did it all, right in front of God's own face.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
I don't do nothing now.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
Just remember, is all.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 1, 2015
AND THEN:
Billy thought of spoons and needles the way I thought of skates and sticks. A way to make life leap.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Billy was the best of us all.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
One of us, his name was Sandy, and he was in as often as out, and he was always paranoid.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
"Hey, Sandy", you'd say, and he'd say, "I'm not Sandy. I'm Randy. You're thinking of my brother Sandy. I'm Randy.", so you'd call him Randy.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
There was Elizabeth, who gave what she had to us all, and was slowly turning mad and we all knew it, but took of her charms anyway.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
And without shame, too.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
And now there was Ben.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Out and happy as hell. Been in 3 years for taking a hammer to a cigarette machine and taking off with the loose change.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
But out now and ready to give Liz as much as she could handle and they emptied pitchers with us in the Bucaneer Hotel.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Big Pete's eyes weren't focussing good and I knew one of us would have to help him back to whoever had a home.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
We were all boiled-owl drunk and a sober peace descended on the table and our bellies and minds were full and were happy.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
All but for Billy.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
For Billy, each empty pitcher just made his thirst deeper and darker, and no one wanted to help him, 'cept for me.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Truth was, I was getting curious about the spoon. The spoon with the flame 'neath. The spoon, filled with crackling white magic.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
I'd take care of Billy. Goddam right. Goddam right.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
When midnight happened, I skated fast in the dark on the Kelowna rink, and the white fuel made my arm the stick, my skates the ice.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Billy laughed hard in the bench, and it was just the two of us and I fired the puck, and Billy lay down he was laughing so hard.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
I'd never played hockey as well. I'd never been this good. i was always told practice was the thing. But no. The thing sizzled in a spoon.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
People told me Billy was self-destructive but I knew better.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Billy did not take what was in the spoon to die. He took it to live.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
But to live like that, you have to nudge up against death. . It's not a roll of the dice most are willing to take.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Billy was as self-destructive as a skydiver.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
I would sit with Billy and his friends sometimes, in their anxious circles, as they waited, untalking, fidgety, for the magic to come.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Finally the door would knock and relief would strike the group and Billy would let out a holler of Joy.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
The guy always seemed to be late. I'm sure it wasn't an accident, the guy just didn't have the chance to feel power too often. That's all.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
But then the sale was made, and then the orderly procession in to the bathroom.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
I never looked in the bathroom, thought it ordinaire, don't even like to see a man change his pants let alone change himself.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
Once they were all done, they'd return to the living room, happy, happy, happy. I'd leave soon after. I was happy being unhappy.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
But I never felt sorry for Billy. He was always a stand-up guy and always laughed hard and real at any jokes I had for him.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
He didn't die or even hit bottom as long as I knew him. The last time I saw him he was in his mid 20s. Looked good.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
I gave him money for as long as I knew him. Figured he needed it more than me. He was buying magic while I was buying baloney.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
He never paid a penny back.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
But Billy did give me one thing.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
He gave me a dark night in Kelowna, when I skated my fastest and shot pucks that would find the center of the net from the red line.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
And for six hours Billy laughed and light snow found my frozen face and when the sun rose the dream ended and I thanked Billy Larouche.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) March 2, 2015
THE END?
To me, the coolest part is seeing people responding to bits of the story as it unfolded.
@normmacdonald Don't do it Big Pete!
— Maria Vondrachek (@vondrachek) March 1, 2015
“@normmacdonald: I never dreamed of you. Not once.” This right here is waiting to be a caption somewhere on Instagram
— Katerina Petrova (@katther_) March 2, 2015
not sure if he even knows he's playing, but @normmacdonald is winning twitter, and it's not real close.
— doug buchan (@dougbuchan) March 2, 2015
All in all, the reaction was mixed:
@normmacdonald You're truly the Faulkner of Twitter, a drunk boring us to death with overwrought prose. Faulkner had the better 'stache.
— Dan D'Aprile (@DanDaprile) March 2, 2015
@normmacdonald is teaching some valuable #writing lessons via his #twitter feed. It's actually pretty friggin inspiring.
— Dann Alexander (@WriterDann) March 2, 2015
@normmacdonald Your melancholy is filled with pleasing sorrow and an intoxicating angst. Your longing is now ours…
— Monica Lau (@oneLaugirl) March 2, 2015
.@normmacdonald's tweets are the new short stories
— Raj (@BlogTrot) March 2, 2015
Only @normmacdonald can tell a story about substance-abuse that reads like a Mark Twain novel.
— mike (@WhiskeySoured) March 2, 2015
Another tweet-squal from the great @normmacdonald just now. Caught the whole thing that time. Like seeing a meteor.
— Joel Richman (@xylem) March 2, 2015
@normmacdonald goodbye norm. You fill my Twitter feed no more …
— centurysouth (@Centurysouth99) March 2, 2015
I want to unfollow everyone except @normmacdonald so his words will takeover my twitter feed. And I'll never miss a story.
— Mackenzie Sunshine (@MaeWestward) March 2, 2015
Kudos to @normmacdonald for simultaneously clearing out his unenlightened followers and entertaining the rest of us. Brilliant!
— Ray Tuntland (@NVRayT) March 2, 2015
Before Twitter, we just had to imagine what #normmacdonald was thinking about like #cavemen. @normmacdonald thanks for the crucial updates.
— T Zissou (@TCZissou) March 3, 2015
@normmacdonald is playing twitter like a world champ at chess! What will his next move be?? Nobody knows✨
— Cat Alexiadis (@Cat_astrophe18) March 3, 2015
@normmacdonald love how you retweet everything! Love or hate, you don't give a crap. #comicgenius
— Tom Rodgers (@realtwistedt) March 3, 2015
Which leads to my ultimate theory, that Norm MacDonald’s spirit animal is the honey badger.
Note to 48: #honeybadger don't give a damn
— tom jensen (@tomjensen100) October 28, 2012